The second book in
The 100 Shot Zine Project was titled
Dream. This was the first part of a short story that I had written a few years prior to making the book. The story is continued in
The 100 Shot Zine Project #018 titled
Dreams. The booklet is hand written and drawn. Like
Pin, the cover is hand stamped along with the included stickers.
Since these zines were only made in limited quantities, I have decided to post the entire story here in this blog entry.
DreamI should have known better than to look back.
The drive was a long one. It wasn’t unbearable, since the radio passed the time easily. I had stopped once for gas and a quick lunch in some hole-in-the-wall diner, and then I was on my way again. The drive was quite peaceful, actually. There was something about the ocean or just water in general that has always had a calming effect on me. I love streams and running water, and if I could live next to one, I would. The sky was just starting to get dark when I arrived.
I never thought I’d go back, but I did. There was no particular reason as to why I did it; I just did. Why I came back to the town that I had abandoned, the old friends I had left behind, the life I had once lived was truly a mystery to me.
John and I were the best of friends. At least we were at one point back in high school. I don’t exactly recall what happened to us. I guess we just stopped making an effort to keep in touch. Life is funny, and it has ways of doing things like that. I recall being over at his house all the time. We would just hang out and do the things that boys do. John had an older brother, Jim, who I vaguely remembered. He was there, but he just never made any impact in my life whatsoever. John was my childhood friend, and I decided to pay him a visit since I was in town.
As I pulled into the driveway I realized that John’s house looked exactly as it had looked the last time I had paid him a visit, which seemed ages ago. The brown leaves scattered everywhere served as a reminder of the impending winter. He came to the door after a few knocks and was pretty surprised to see me. It was as if he had seen a ghost. This was not very surprising since I left town without a word to anyone. He quickly invited me in and we talked in the halfway for a good ten minutes.
That was when I saw her. She had short dark hair, flipped out towards the bottom. The kind of hair that looks disheveled, but you still know it is clean and it smells good. She was wearing a yellow pastel summer dress that really accented her beautiful body. She had on summery sandals that matched the color of her dress. I had always thought she had a great sense of style.
I froze. My breath was lost. My mind was blank. My mouth was dry. Time stopped. I had been talking to John when I looked past his shoulder and saw her. The thought of why she was there did not even cross my mind. All that I cared about was that she was there. It was as if the floodgates had been raised and a torrent of emotions had rushed forth. Anything coming out of John’s mouth was now a distant chatter. I had to speak to her. Yes, I definitely had to speak to her.
"Hey, you remember Tony; don’t you?" said John. She nodded. I think she was as surprised to see me as I was to see her.
We walked down the neighborhood very slowly. John had gone inside the house to finish up some chores. Side by side we tried to catch up on each other’s life. How can anything make up for all those lost years? My hands swung closely to hers. They were almost touching, but not quite. It had been a long time, and being next to her felt really good. There was a tingly feeling inside my stomach.
"I love you. I always have, and I still do." I blurted out.
"I know," she said. She looked very sad.
She told me that she was slightly involved with someone. I didn’t know what she meant by that, but my heart still sank. She was the one for me. She always had been. Sure I’d been in and out of relationships, but none of them was important enough to mention. I had been too scared to let her know how I had felt in the past. Now that I did, it was too late. Life can be so cruel sometimes.
I wanted to die.
I wanted to hold her tightly. I wanted to talk to her about anything and everything. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to stare into her eyes. I wanted to run my fingers through her hair. It did not matter what I did as long as it was with her. I wanted all these things so badly that my heart ached. It ached badly because I knew none of these things would ever happen. I just needed another chance. Life is so full of regrets. If only I had done this. If only I had done that. How was I supposed to know such a simple mistake could haunt me for a lifetime?
I later found out that she was involved with John’s older brother Jim. Towards the end of high school, they became somewhat involved, and now she has his son. Why they were not together, I could not comprehend. Who would not want to be with her? I guess the grass really is greener on the other side. I wish for what I cannot have, and I am sure Jim would like someone else, too. I think of it as the curse of humanity. There are very few in this world that are truly happy with what they have. Most people always ask for more. They always hope for something better.
I had always believed I was quite simple. I appreciate some of the most common things, and it does not take much to make me happy. I feel that life is beautiful, and I don’t want to miss the tiniest detail. For a fleeting moment, I wondered how I would be if I was really with her. Would I move on and want someone else? "The grass is always greener on the other side," someone once said. I abruptly pushed the notion aside since I cannot imagine being with anyone but her.
We spent most of our short walk in silence.
After much persuasion, I was finally convinced to stay for dinner. The whole experience was very awkward. I now saw Jim in a different light. Not awkward in a bad way, just a really weird way, if that makes any sense. We all discussed life, friends, school, jobs, and the usual topics discussed with those you have not seen in a long time. It was all so fake to me. I just wanted to leave. I wanted to smoke a cigarette badly, although I’d quit for over a year. I wanted to drink my worries away. I just wanted to get away from this town. I wanted to get in my car and drive off. I wanted to get away from her.
But at the same time, I wanted to stay. Something had brought me back here. I wanted to see how the story unfolded. Deep down inside, there is always hope. I had hope. It may have been a tiny glimmer, but it was there. So I stayed. I sat through dinner the best I could. Then, I said my good byes. Before I left, I made plans to meet her for lunch the next day. There was something I saw in her eyes when I hugged her "goodbye". What it was exactly I could not tell. Was it a sense of sadness? Was she happy to see me? I guess I will find out soon enough…
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